In Honor of Karen Ann

An Angel That Was Taken Too Early

Five years ago, on Valentine's Day, I lost my best friend, who was also my mother, Karen Ann. 

For over a year, I was in a mindless state of grief. However, I know she absolutely hated it when I was unhappy. So after a couple years of therapy and much dedication to my writing career, I've become more functional. After all, mom wouldn't be proud of me if I remained a miserable ball of sadness. 

Still, the grief never leaves me. It's an open wound that strikes me with crippling pain. Every once in awhile, out of nowhere, I find myself crying in my car from missing her so bad. It's always worse during Christmas, which was her favorite, Mother's Day, her Birthday, and of course, Valentine's day.

She never stopped believing in Santa.

The first one I got ridiculously drunk and cried like a baby. The next few I spent curled up in bed, unable to face the day. But as I said before, Mom really hated it when I was sad. She always made extra efforts to cheer me up. We usually snuggled on the couch and watched movies. So I started honoring her memory by watching her favorite movies. One year my brothers and I had a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon. Another year I did a wacky combo of First Wive's Club, Total Recall, Terminator 2, and Ever After.

Yes, Mom had delightfully eclectic taste in movies and she passed it on to me. 

This year, movies aren't enough. It's not enough to distract myself from missing her. I wanted to do something to honor the woman who nurtured my creativity and encouraged my dreams. I wouldn't have become a successful writer if not for her. Even now, as I fight back tears, I can see mom shaking her head at me and tears coming to her own eyes because my pain is her pain. 

I want to picture her smiling, like this.

Even though I can never erase the grief from Valentine's day, I can mitigate it. I chose to release my novel WRENCHING FATE and have a fun online release party with all my friends. Then later I'm even going to try to celebrate Valentine's Day as a holiday and watch EVER AFTER with the nicest guy I know.

I'll probably still cry a little, but I'm going to do my best to make it a happy day and make my mom proud. And every book I write, I dedicate to her. I still remember when I first got her hooked on romance novels, and I hope there are books in heaven. 

Afterward, I'm going to start another book. Because she didn't get a happily ever after in real life, I'm going to create as many as I can as long as I live.

Because it is February

I pick up my phone to call my mom to share the good news, or seek solace in face of the bad. Then I stop. Helpless agony fills me yet again with the realization that she is dead.

I have been doing this for three years now, more so because it is February and my Mom died on Valentine’s Day. I wrote her eulogy.

I saw Grandma at the grocery store this Saturday. Joy filled me and I ran with my shopping cart to hug her. I’d been thinking of her for months and longing to talk to her. We hugged and it was wonderful. There’s nothing like a hug from Grandma.

She had a bag of tomatoes in her cart. If I only wanted a bag of tomatoes, I wouldn’t bother with a cart. We talked, but only for a few minutes. The mother and the daughter of Karen Ann. We were both in a hurry to leave the store and curl up with a movie…we both said so at the same time. Then Grandma removed the tomatoes from her cart, put them back, and left.

On the drive home, I realized it was strange to see Grandma at that store. She lives on the opposite side of town. But then I remembered it is February…and that grocery store is next to the craft store that Mom, Grandma, and I used to frequent every Saturday.

Grandma is still hurting too. I know this now and I feel like an ass for not thinking about it before.

I’m going to call Grandma and spend more time with her. Not just because it’s February. 

Because it is February

I pick up my phone to call my mom to share the good news, or seek solace in face of the bad. Then I stop. Helpless agony fills me yet again with the realization that she is dead.

I have been doing this for three years now, more so because it is February and Mom died on Valentine’s Day. I wrote her eulogy.

I saw Grandma at the grocery store this Saturday. Joy filled me and I ran with my shopping cart to hug her. I’d been thinking of her for months and longing to talk to her. We hugged and it was wonderful. There’s nothing like a hug from Grandma.

 She had a bag of tomatoes in her cart. If I only wanted a bag of tomatoes, I wouldn’t bother with one. We talked, but only for a few minutes. The mother and the daughter of Karen Ann. We were both in a hurry to leave the store and curl up with a movie…we both said so at the same time. Then Grandma removed the tomatoes from her cart, put them back, and left.

On the drive home, I realized it was strange to see Grandma at that store. She lives on the opposite side of town. But then I remembered it is February…and that grocery store is next to the craft store that Mom, Grandma, and I used to frequent every Saturday.

 Grandma is still hurting too. I know this now and I feel like an ass for not thinking about it before.

I’m going to call Grandma and spend more time with her. Not just because it’s February.