Five years ago, on Valentine's Day, I lost my best friend, who was also my mother, Karen Ann.
For over a year, I was in a mindless state of grief. However, I know she absolutely hated it when I was unhappy. So after a couple years of therapy and much dedication to my writing career, I've become more functional. After all, mom wouldn't be proud of me if I remained a miserable ball of sadness.
Still, the grief never leaves me. It's an open wound that strikes me with crippling pain. Every once in awhile, out of nowhere, I find myself crying in my car from missing her so bad. It's always worse during Christmas, which was her favorite, Mother's Day, her Birthday, and of course, Valentine's day.
She never stopped believing in Santa.
The first one I got ridiculously drunk and cried like a baby. The next few I spent curled up in bed, unable to face the day. But as I said before, Mom really hated it when I was sad. She always made extra efforts to cheer me up. We usually snuggled on the couch and watched movies. So I started honoring her memory by watching her favorite movies. One year my brothers and I had a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon. Another year I did a wacky combo of First Wive's Club, Total Recall, Terminator 2, and Ever After.
Yes, Mom had delightfully eclectic taste in movies and she passed it on to me.
This year, movies aren't enough. It's not enough to distract myself from missing her. I wanted to do something to honor the woman who nurtured my creativity and encouraged my dreams. I wouldn't have become a successful writer if not for her. Even now, as I fight back tears, I can see mom shaking her head at me and tears coming to her own eyes because my pain is her pain.
I want to picture her smiling, like this.
Even though I can never erase the grief from Valentine's day, I can mitigate it. I chose to release my novel WRENCHING FATE and have a fun online release party with all my friends. Then later I'm even going to try to celebrate Valentine's Day as a holiday and watch EVER AFTER with the nicest guy I know.
I'll probably still cry a little, but I'm going to do my best to make it a happy day and make my mom proud. And every book I write, I dedicate to her. I still remember when I first got her hooked on romance novels, and I hope there are books in heaven.
Afterward, I'm going to start another book. Because she didn't get a happily ever after in real life, I'm going to create as many as I can as long as I live.
When I was very young, I saw "LADY AND THE TRAMP" for the first time and fell in love with the Siamese cats. Shortly after I declared: "When I grow up, I'm going to get a Siamese cat and name her Isis. She will wear a jewel studded collar and eat out of a crystal dish and I will love her and spoil her rotten."
And so I did. The "crystal" dish didn't last long thanks to the kids, and the jeweled collar made her itch, but Isis was indeed loved and spoiled rotten. I'd hold her and pet her and croon "my precioussssss." We couldn't watch LORD OF THE RINGS without her tripping out, thinking the TV was talking to her. :)
Yeah...steak and lobster spoiled.
When I got Isis, she was small enough to fit in my purse...which she often rode around in until she was big enough to perch on my shoulder. Unlike all previous cats I'd brought home, Isis didn't hide under the bed for three days. Instead she strode right up to the dog (who was like 20 times her size at the time) and started growling. Then she pounced on him....then they were wrestling...and then he belonged to her, heart and soul.
Isis LOVED her dog.
Like most Siamese cats, Isis was very territorial and protective. She used to guard us and our property with extreme vigilance. For a long time she'd watch me bathe and try to grab me when I ducked under to wash my hair because she thought I was drowning. She chased the deer out of our garden and often attacked them. The neighbors would laugh at the sight of her perched on a doe's back, biting and clawing it like a miniature lioness. I wish we had pictures or videos of that.
She also watched over me when I was sick...along with her consort, Isuzu.
Isis was completely fearless. She was a master huntress. One time, she even took down a crow. If she wanted something, she was pretty good about getting it, whether it was a few licks of my ice cream cone to half of my string cheese. She would perch wherever she wanted.
In the cupboard...
On my back...
On my brother...
And blocking my computer if I ignored her too long.
Last week my husband was out of town. Isis went missing, but it wasn't unusual since she stays out for days in the summer, especially when she's mad at us. I figured either she was angry at my husband for being absent or she'd gotten trapped in my neighbor's shed again.
Two days after my birthday... (and quitting smoking), my neighbor approached me and asked if I was missing a cat. My heart rose with hope because usually after he asks that, he says he got dive-bombed after opening his shed.
"You found her?" I asked.
He nodded sadly. "She's dead."
Sure enough, there she was on his property. It looked like she'd been dead a few days. Maybe it happened on my birthday. She was too far away from the road for it to have been a car, and she wasn't bloody and mangled, so it wasn't the psycho killer dog next door. My other neighbor said he's been watching her chase deer just the other night, so I'm thinking she tangled with the wrong one.
I like what one of my friends said: "She must have been one balls to the wall cat to have burned up her nine lives so quickly."
Indeed she was. Goodbye, Isis, the most bad ass cat I've ever known. You will be missed and never forgotten.
For those of you who don't know, today marks the two year anniversary of Ronnie James Dio's death. :( I wrote a huge memorial post about him last year. I also drew a portrait of him for my husband for our wedding anniversary, which is on the 30th.
I swear, whenever I'm not writing, he seems to be glaring at me.
Anyway, somehow, in the last few years, Dio has become more than a favorite musician, he's also become one of my muses. I mentioned the realization to my husband and asked, "Do you think he'd be all weirded out, that some crazy romance author sees him as a muse?"
My husband shook his head. "No, I think he'd be flattered."
Maybe he's right. After all, I do believe that all artists and musicians really are muses.
And here's why Dio's one of mine:
1.) His music: Music has always been one of my primary inspirations to create. I hear a song and I picture a scene in my head. Often that scene becomes a story. Dio's songs always told stories. In fact, he once said in an interview that if he weren't a musician, he may have been an author.
Here's the song "FEVER DREAMS" from the album, "Magica." I have a novel in the works about a singer in a metal band who discovers she's the prophesied savior of another world. She has some strange dreams beforehand. I heard this song and thought, "Wow, he's singing about my character." Okay, not really, but it's still a fun thought.
Also, "Lately when my demons drag the night across my eyes..." is the coolest metaphor for falling into an uneasy sleep that I've ever heard.
2.) The inspiration of his life. Dio didn't build a successful music career that spanned across six decades without hard work and dedication. Any time I consider whining about the writing being hard, I think of him and remember that he wrote hundreds of songs and made a ton of albums. That took work. He also took lots of time to do concert tours and interviews and interact with his fans.
I try to think of each chapter I write as a song, and each novel an album. And I will strive to treat my fans as good as he did. He once sat out in the rain for HOURS signing autographs.
Here's a video of Dio in the studio, hard at work. :)
3.) We have a lot in common, so I can actually imagine talking to him. Dio loved to read. He was also really into fantasy and medieval history. I wish I could ask him if he's read PILLARS OF THE EARTH, or any of the HARRY POTTER series. Obviously, he loved music and a lot of the bands he's mentioned and toured with are among my favorites. He loved animals, cats as well as dogs. And he was short. I'm only 5' and I took a lot of crap for it growing up. So it's extremely inspiring for a fellow short person to become a giant.
You have to be big to tackle Aerosmith's "Dream On."
4.) He was damn good looking. I'll admit it, romance authors are always inspired by eye candy. I'm a sucker for great hair and eyes and Dio had both.
His wife was one lucky lady.
Muses are a good thing to have, truly. So in honor of Dio's memory, I'm going to rock out to his music and get back to work on another novel.
Who are your muses? What keeps you going when you're at the creative grindstone?
I pick up my phone to call my mom to share the good news, or seek solace in face of the bad. Then I stop. Helpless agony fills me yet again with the realization that she is dead.
I have been doing this for three years now, more so because it is February and my Mom died on Valentine’s Day. I wrote her eulogy.
I saw Grandma at the grocery store this Saturday. Joy filled me and I ran with my shopping cart to hug her. I’d been thinking of her for months and longing to talk to her. We hugged and it was wonderful. There’s nothing like a hug from Grandma.
She had a bag of tomatoes in her cart. If I only wanted a bag of tomatoes, I wouldn’t bother with a cart. We talked, but only for a few minutes. The mother and the daughter of Karen Ann. We were both in a hurry to leave the store and curl up with a movie…we both said so at the same time. Then Grandma removed the tomatoes from her cart, put them back, and left.
On the drive home, I realized it was strange to see Grandma at that store. She lives on the opposite side of town. But then I remembered it is February…and that grocery store is next to the craft store that Mom, Grandma, and I used to frequent every Saturday.
Grandma is still hurting too. I know this now and I feel like an ass for not thinking about it before.
I’m going to call Grandma and spend more time with her. Not just because it’s February.
I've always been inspired by music, but I didn't pay much attention to the people who made it until I studied heavy metal for my urban fantasy series, in which some main players are in a band. Although he'd been around for decades, I didn't become aware of Ronnie James Dio until my former husband introduced me to his music. Right away I was captivated by his powerful voice and entrancing themes. We planned on seeing him in concert when we heard the news exactly one year ago that he had died from stomach cancer. Celebrity deaths usually don't affect me, but this one made me cry...a lot. The world lost an amazing person, but I didn't realize just how amazing Dio was until I began my research.
Ronald James Padavonaturned down a scholarship to Juilliard (because he wanted to rock) and joined a band called THE VEGAS KINGS, at first playing the trumpet and singing backup. The band changed its name to RONNIE AND THE REDCAPS when he took over as lead singer. One of the first singles was: "An Angel is Missing"
1960's: Being that shortening one's name was popular back then, Ronnie changed his last name to "Dio" after an Italian mafia boss (NOT after the Italian word for "God" as many claim) & the band to RONNIE DIO AND THE PROPHETS. They did the best cover of "Love Potion #9 EVER!!!!
As bands like Led Zepplin and Blue Oyster Cult came on the scene, the only thing to do was rock harder. The Prophets disbanded in 1967 and Dio & the guitarist formed the band, THE ELECTRIC ELVES, shortened it to THE ELVES, and finally to ELF.
They started out touring clubs and doing covers (Ironically they did a few Black Sabbath songs) while they built up their own repertoire and they gained fame when they became the opening act for DEEP PURPLE.
I dare you to listen to this & not get chills. :)
1970's: DEEP PURPLE guitarist, Ritchie Blackmore had a falling out with the band and decided to form his own. Well aware of Dio's talent, he convinced Ronnie to join him in forming the band RAINBOW (allegedly he had to get him drunk). Dio agreed, on the condition that he also take the rest of the members of ELF.
With Ritchie's guitar genius and Dio's powerful vocals as well as their shared interest in Medieval history, RAINBOW was an explosion of awesome.
Here's the song "Mistreated." Eat your heart out, American Idol
And here's Stargazer AKA mind-exploding glory.
1980's: Eventually, Blackmore and Dio had a fallout. Ritchie wanted to move more towards pop music and love songs and Dio wanted to keep the mystical themes and heavy style, so Ronnie left RAINBOW (which sucked without him).
Coincidentally, Ozzy had just left Black Sabbath, so they needed a singer. Black Sabbath was a perfect spot for Dio and he revitalized the band with his inspiring lyrics, dedication, and refreshingly drug free lifestyle.
Due to a misunderstanding caused by a drunken sound technician, Dio only remained with Sabbath for 2 1/2 albums before taking off with the drummer to form his own band, DIO.
He was most famous for the songs "Holy Diver" and "Rainbow in the Dark" but this one's a major favorite of mine.
The 80's were Dio's shining time and in between tons of incredible albums and endless touring he also somehow made time to organize various charity projects and participate in the "Rock against Drugs" campaign.
1990's:
Due to the "Grunge" movement and the general increase of violence and political unrest in the world, Dio's music briefly got a little cynical. "Strange Highways" is not such a popular album but the title song really spoke to me.
He also reunited with Black Sabbath long enough to record another album, but again miscommunication broke them up. Later, Sabbath had a brief reunion with Ozzy, which I was fortunate to see, though I would have preferred Dio.
2000's: Dio returned to his well-loved mystical style and recorded 3 more awesome albums for our listening pleasure.
Here's the song "Losing My Insanity" from the album, MAGICA
He then again reunited with Black Sabbath under the name HEAVEN AND HELL presumably to avoid drama with Ozzy. :)
The band had a successful tour until they had to shut it down when Dio was diagnosed with stomach cancer. :::Sob:: At first treatment seemed to be working, but then he passed away on May 16th, 2010
The Man: According to countless interviews and fan accounts worldwide, Dio was an incredibly nice guy. He once spent 3 hours out in the rain signing autographs and always treated his fans with utmost consideration. He never hesitated to give hugs or interviews or pose for pictures. He didn't do drugs and, since his marriage to Wendy Dio in 1975, he never whored around like many of his counterparts. Instead, he loved to read, loved animals and collected frog figurines and antique furniture. He was also a good cook. Check out this interview on KNAC.COM for more awesomeness.
Great Works: Besides making music that continues to inspire each generation, Ronnie James Dio participated in many charity projects: The first is CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT, a program designed to get runaways off the streets and save them from prostitution. A portion of proceeds from album sales still goes to it. Another was the infamous HEARING AID project in which he gathered countless musicians from the Metal world to raise over 1 million dollars for Africa. Dio also participated in animal rescue programs.
So when people call this guy "evil" or "Satanic," naturally I get pissed.
Dio's family set up the STAND UP AND SHOUT CANCER FUND, dedicated to providing low-income and uninsured people with cancer screenings. More info can be found on the official Dio Website.
I know this is a long post, but still it's not enough to cover the magnificence of Dio. Rest in peace, Dio, and I hope you are still rocking wherever you are. If you want to learn more about this incredible person, there's a ton of interviews on YouTube, as well as a tour of his gorgeous house.
To quote the movie, THE SANDLOT, "Heroes get remembered, but Legends never die."
ant to repopulate the world with groupies -- and that’s not wham a thinking man. I’d like to be known f I want to be known for being a rock and roll animal. I live within that scope, but not nearly like others.
My mom passed away on Valentine's Day two years ago. I want to take a moment to remember and share with you, the most important person in my life. Because of her, I believe in angels.
As a person:
Karen was a gentle soul with a vivid personality. She was generous and forgiving. She would help anyone in need and never bore a grudge for long. She was inquisitive. She loved to learn new things and was fascinated with history, science, and the nature of human beings. She had a great capacity for finding joy in the little things in life. She loved yard sales and would gleefully wake us up early on Saturday mornings to hunt for treasures. Her absolute delight in the things we would get made Saturdays my favorite day of the week.
She loved her parents and brothers and sisters very much. Our family get –togethers on the holidays were made better with her presence. She maintained such a close friendship with all her siblings that they loaned movies to eachother and then constantly bickered about whose movies were whose. She loved shopping with Grandma and Aunt Wendy, dancing with Aunt Jane, and teasing Uncle Don and Uncle David. She told the funniest stories about them as children. She loved and got along with her mother so well that they were able to work together at the daycare for practically twenty years in harmony. She had a special bond with her father and was the one who pointed out to us kids that “grumpy grandpa” wasn’t so grumpy after all. I was delighted as a child to learn that my love of cars and potatoes came from him.
Her favorite color was purple and her favorite flowers were lilacs. They were our special flowers. She was ecstatic when they bloomed every spring and the enthusiasm always caught on. She loved to sing and dance, which always made housework fun. She was an artist and a poet. She loved lines, shapes and colors just as much a language, words, and rhyme. Countless homes hold things she has crafted, painted, or written from her great heart. I know everything she has made will always be greatly cherished.
She brought comfort and joy to everyone around her. She was able to reassure us all that no matter what happened, everything would turn out okay and her quiet strength asserted that a person could make it through anything.
She held no hatred or malice in her heart. Her only dislikes were actually charming little quirks: spiders, spoons, clowns, fish, and the color yellow.
She loved Christmas. I can still hear her singing “Oh Christmas Tree” in her high clear soprano as she decorated her tree and filled the house with her miniature Christmas villages. She loved decorating the tree at the daycare and making things for the hospital’s Christmas bazzar, and singing carols with the daycare kids. Her gifts were always personal and thoughtful. They showed her ability to get to know a person well enough to get them something truly special. And the amazing thing was that she didn’t just do this for holidays, she would often give unique gifts “just because.” It showed that her friends and loved ones were constantly in her thoughts.
She was a great teacher and loved children. She always knew the best way to encourage a child to live up to his or her potential. She was always correcting my grammar. Her heart was so big her calling was to not only love and teach her own children, but also to teach children across the community at the daycare, and later to teach and nurture her stepchildren who needed her very much.
As a Mother:
My mom was the best mother in the world. Her never ending love, support and encouragement went far beyond that of many mothers’. Even though she had three children to share her affections with and later two more, she always made sure to give each of us some special time and attention. She did her best to protect us as children from the bad things in life and took care of us when we were sick or sad. She gave her full support in our interests. She gave me books because I liked to read. When I began to paint, she gave me her easel and bought me paint and brushes. When I began to write, she gave me her typewriter. She did the same for my brothers and stepbrother and stepsister.
I was a lonely child at first. She was my friend and confidante. And when I met my best friend in third grade, mom encouraged that friendship, never complaining when we stayed up giggling all night. And when my friend moved away in seventh grade, mom helped us stay friends by buying me stamps and envelopes to write letters and even would endure a two hour drive several times a year to meet with my friend’s mom so we could spend a week together. Thanks to my mom, Rachel and I are still best friends.
Mom’s patience and love was legendary. When I was thirteen, I was especially difficult. We had the most passionate arguments, which were always short because she didn’t like being angry for long. She would always forgive me and assure me of her love. I remember a particular screaming match we had. She was mixing cookie dough and I drove her so crazy that she threw the mixing bowl against the kitchen wall. There was flour and sugar everywhere. We looked at eachother and at the mess and burst out into laughter before we hugged and cleaned up.
She made great sacrifices for us kids. When times were lean, she’d make sure we were fed and had new clothes first before herself. She’d do things she didn’t like to do for us. She let us have pets. She tolerated our music and fashion choices. She took us fishing even though she hated fish, that is, until I caught a tiger muskie that scared the daylights out of her. She decided we were old enough to take ourselves fishing after that incident. I remember, about a year ago, she told me she hated strawberry shortcake. I said, “But you always made it when I was kid.” She just gave me a look that said I was being silly and replied, “That’s because you kids loved it.”
She made almost all of my Halloween costumes. She made my high school prom dress. She made my wedding dress and helped me plan and coordinate the wedding and walked me down the aisle. She was there to witness the birth of my son. She was there for me when the marriage didn’t work out. She was there when I decided to go to college and was beaming with pride when I got my degree. She supported me in my relationship with my new fiancee and gave me advice with my two new kids. She treated my stepdaughters like they were her own grandchildren. As a child she was there when I needed my mommy. As a woman she was there when I needed a friend…and my mommy.
She took so much pride in us kids that she talked about us to her friends and coworkers so much that we were all recognized on sight. I’m still striving to live up to that pride. Every good thing I’ve done and will do is because of her.
Karen will be missed by many adults and children alike. The world has lost a great daughter, wife, mother, and teacher. Heaven has gained a great treasure.
