Why I think dreams should have a comeback in fiction...and an extrapolation on dick jokes.

I WANT this chandelier!

This blog post was inspired by my last assignment in my literature class.

We're reading Medieval literature right now and finally the instructor gave us a break from the tragic and sometimes just plain boring and assigned us some fabilaux, which are short humor pieces. Two of which were delightfully bawdy.

Here's an example from "A WILD DREAM:" "...the woman launched into her tale, and like it or not, lay all of the details bare of her dream at the penis fair, how some were good and some were bad, and she bought the largest they had, by far more impressive than any, for fifty shillings and a penny."

Seriously, this story was about a woman who fell asleep angry after her husband got too drunk to put out and had a dream about going to a fair selling only dildos. Reading assignments like this are why I love college.

The homework was to answer the question as to if stuff like this is still humorous and why.

 I thought the story was self explanatory. But I still formulated an answer like a good student.:

"As a fan of bawdy comedy, I absolutely adored the phallic humor in the last two tales: 'A Wild Dream,' and 'The Ring That Controlled Erections.'

 I believe that there are indeed enduring elements of human behavior that will always be humorous and those stories are totally still funny today because it is a permanent aspect of human nature to laugh at ourselves. And one of the main ways we laugh at ourselves is through sexual humor. 
Face it, sex, and the parts involved, is quite strange and silly when you really think of it. And the two fabliaux, as well as "LYSISTRATA", prove that dick jokes will remain funny for the duration of human existence." 

Then we were supposed to ask a follow up question to our classmates as well as answer it. I decided this question should be posed to you all as well:

"Dreams are explored a lot in classic literature, but not so much in modern literature because many publishers see it as a cliche. Do you see this as a bad thing?

"I do. 

"Dreams are one of the greatest mysteries and equalizers of humanity. We all have them and none of us understand how or why. We can all empathize with when reading about nightmares and ludicrous adventures in the sleeping mind. I found "A Wild Dream" to be especially funny because I once had a similar dream. (Though I didn't hit my husband in my sleep.) I also once had a dream where I was helping my cats build nests so they could lay their eggs. Crazy dreams are an integral part of human nature and should remain a part of literature."

So, what do you think about dreams in modern fiction? Are they cliche or should they make a comeback?

...and if you're a fan of bawdy literature, I highly recommend LYSISTRATA. It is by far my favorite thing I've read in this class. Monty Python humor and dick jokes abound!

Cover reveal for BITE ME, YOUR GRACE!

OMG OMG OMG, it's finally here! Isn't it lovely!

I adore the tumultuous sky and Gothic manor house in the background. I love how they look like they're trying to rip each other's clothes off. I love how the characters look like the characters! I love the guy's sexy long hair, Brad Pitt lips, and sweet man titty. Oh yes, we like sweet man titty around here.

April 1st, you guys! ...and in the meantime, BITE ME, YOUR GRACE is available for pre-order on Amazon and Barnes & Noble!

Okay, I'm going to go back to squealing and jumping up and down. Have a great weekend, all!

10 More Horror Movie Recommendations!

It's the Halloween season, which means I'm back with more movies recommendations. From scary to goofy, from classic to obscure, there should be something here to get you into the Halloween spirit.

1.) Vampire Party

I totally gotta thank the awesome Urban Fantasy author, Jess Haines, for turning me onto this hilarious French film. Chock full of corny humor, puns, and off-color shenanigans, I couldn't stop laughing. There were spoofs on spoofs!

2.) American Gothic

My husband introduced me to this one. A group of people wreck a plane on an island off the pacific northwest coast and encounter the only inhabitants: an old-school "Ma and Pa Kettle" couple and their three "kids." I gotta say, it's one of the most creepy and messed up movies I've ever seen. It's flat out WRONG on so many levels, but you can't look away....and then you can't stop traumatizing other people with it and recommending it on your blog.

The one who played "Ma" also played Lily Munster

3.) Gremlins 1 and 2

I chose these for something family-friendly. These movies epitomize the universal adage: "FOLLOW DIRECTIONS!"

I can't be the only one who thinks they're just as cute when you feed them after midnight.

.....okay, maybe not.

4.) Fright Night

What really made this movie awesome was its quirky characterization. Every member of the cast has their time to shine. For the most part, FRIGHT NIGHT is lighthearted and full of laughs... except for the scene with the wolf. Completely mind-blowing in its incredible display of emotion and special effects, it REALLY makes this one epic.

Best line ever: "Honey, are you okay? Do you want a Valium?"

5.) 1408

Holy mind-f*ck, Batman. Watching 1408 almost makes you feel like you're on drugs. With a deceptively calm beginning, the film soothes you into a false sense of security before accelerating the crazy-sauce to an almost unbearable adrenaline rush.

Best line: "Do you drink, Mr. Enslin?" "Of course, I'm a writer."

6.) Retardead

Yeah, not exactly a "P.C." title, but if you like Craptastic horror movies, you'll love this one. It's the sequel to "Monsturd." The evil scientist who created the poop monster now unleashes his next evil plan: to turn special needs people into an army of supergeniuses to help him take over the world. Unfortunately, his experiment has some horrifying side effects.

The only movie with homemade special effects so gruesome, I actually gagged...then applauded.

7.) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Remakes are usually a tough sell for me, but I totally love this one more than the original. For one, it stays fairly true to the original. For another, they actually gave the heroine a brain and didn't have her obnoxiously screaming the whole time, which was the main reason I didn't love the 1974 version.

8.) Creepshow

Okay, this is more like a bunch of mini-films, but they're all a lot of fun. Sai King's cameo is one of my faves. "Meteor shit!" LOL.

Another favorite line: "I waaaant my birthday caaaaaake!"

9.) When the Bough Breaks

Sometimes when you randomly rent a movie, you are pleasantly surprised. This one is another "holy hell, that's disturbing!" kinda flicks. I'm not usually a fan of serial killer movies, but this one's intriguing and twisted enough to keep my attention.

Severed hands and ice cream trucks....yeah.

10.) IT

Okay, the book is waaaaaaaay better, but the movie has its good points,Tim Curry being one of the biggest ones. Either way, the premise of a group of misfits finding true friendship and defeating a monster has got to be one of the best stories ever.

We all float down here.

Success Story: SHELLEY MARTIN!

Hi Brook, I’m so glad to be here!  As you know getting published in the traditional manner is getting more difficult day by day.  I really started getting serious about being published when I finished my first manuscript, around four years ago.

I stalked the internet, applying all the tricks I could find on how to write a query and synopsis.  I rewrote my manuscript over and over until I thought it was perfect, then I sent out the queries.  And then it happened.  Rejection.  The big no’s kept coming and I wasn’t getting anywhere fast.  After a year I realized I must be doing something wrong so I joined a local writer’s group, the Idaho Writer’s League.

IWL gave me the confidence and encouragement I needed to push on.  When their state competition came up I entered several categories.  I wrote Wingless first, but the editor I hired to help had some very painfully honest words for me about it.  Then I wrote Gargoyle, which won me an award.   Wingless and my other manuscript got above average scores, but were barely noticed. 

I began sending out queries for Gargoyle, but still, no one would bite.  Eventually I asked one of my author friends what her publisher wanted.  She said novellas. So I picked up Wingless, worked it into a novella and submitted it.

For the first time I got a request.  And then another, and another.  After careful consideration I decided to go with Pink Petal Books.  They were highly recommended on Predators and Editors, and I know I made the right choice!  What a fun and supportive team.

Wingless was released on August 2nd, and Gargoyle will be released Nov. 1^st. Spirit Tracks, a free short will be available to anyone who requests to receive Pink Petal Books newsletter, and will be released to amazon a month after that, still free for a limited time.  Already other projects are in the works. 

Sorry I've been absent

Yeah, it's been awhile since my last post. Between quitting smoking (been slipping with that, but not quite giving up), going back to college, and working on my books, it has been a challenge to keep up with my networking. I am now in the process of restructuring my schedule and reorganizing my time management. Whew!

On the bright side, at least I AM getting some writing done. So I shall have to update those progress bars soon.

Progress report on quitting smoking.

Insanity like this deserves an insane meme. And damn, I want that cigarette.

Seriously guys, I think I hate this more than when my wisdom teeth came in and nearly crushed my skull. I think I even hate it more than being pregnant. This has got to be the hardest thing I've faced in my entire life. Naturally, I've suffered many setbacks and pitfalls and learned a few things.

A.) Quitting smoking is worse for people who suffer anxiety disorders...because face it, one of the main side effects of quitting IS anxiety.

B.) Holy crap, addiction is painful and your brain is one deceitful son of a bitch, always trying to trick you into falling back into old habits.

C.) Drinking makes me want to smoke, so I've had to dramatically cut back on drinking. This is probably good for me, but damn I don't get to have any fun.

D.) This struggle has really screwed with my mind and emotions, so I'm going to refrain from making any rash decisions until I'm myself again... Please, God, let that happen.

So, without further ado, I give you my 11 day progress report, written in journal form. I also realized I was PMS-ing during the 1st week. Yay. Couple that with my cat dying and you get the worst summer vacation ever.

Smoking Progress report

Day 1.) Still hung over from my 30^th birthday bash so I didn’t even want to smoke for half the day. When the cravings sank in, I did my best to occupy myself with a jig-saw puzzle and cinnamon gum. I HATE gum. Tried to get an electronic cigarette but all the stores were closed. Ended up cheating and having 5 cigarettes. Still, when comparing that to my usual 20 +, I’d say that’s pretty good.

Day 2.) Got my electronic cigarette and only had two real cigarettes. Still, spent most of the day sitting around like a shell-shock victim unable to focus on anything but the torturous cravings for a real smoke.

Day 3.)  Puffing on the e-cig like a mad thing and actually getting a bit of writing done. Almost made it 24 hours without a smoke and beginning to feel optimistic….then I found out my cat died. Totally bought a 6-pack of hard cider and a pack of cigarettes. I think I smoked like 10.

Day 4.) Remembering my friend saying if it’s not that, it’ll be something else to make me relapse. So gonna prove him wrong. Back to not smoking. Hating life. Devastated about my cat. Forced some more writing. Tried my friend’s homemade cherry wine. Really liked it, but drinking makes me want to smoke. I smoked 3.

Day 5.) Damn, everyone in the neighborhood smokes! Locked myself up in the house until I was half crazy but did get a fair amount of writing done.  Begged one of my only non-smoking friends to hang out over there. Went to the Idaho Writer’s league book fair. (My first out in public appearance since quitting) I made it an hour before a panic attack began to threaten. Hung out with my friend and didn’t think about smoking the whole time…. But I smoked 2 when I got home. Ranted to Shelley Martin and felt better.

Day 6.) Went shopping and didn’t think about smoking for most of the time. Got enough writing in to feel proud of myself. Hung out with friend again and was even more distracted from smoking. Thank you, friend for providing the distraction and putting up with my craziness. But…smoked 2…again… when I got home. Ranted again to Shelley Martin and felt even better.

Day 7.) Tested myself by hanging out with one of my smoking neighbors. It went pretty well until the religious solicitors came by. No, I do not want to punch this well meaning little old man in the face…wait… yes, I do. I better go. Crushed my Red Bull can in my fist and walked away. Blared Mercyful Fate loud enough for the whole block to hear so they knew not to knock on my door. Got some dishes done and a bit of writing. Friend stopped by to check on me. Had some insane writer’s block and decided to loosen it up with a few drinks. It helped, but then I wanted to smoke. Another neighbor gave me a couple cigarettes too.   

Day 8.) Had to drive to Spokane to pick my husband up from the bus station in 101 degrees. I HATE driving in Spokane. Husband was supposed to be quitting but was smoking when I picked him up. I was pissed and tempted, but only took a drag of his. Had a little hang-out reunion with neighbors and friends. Only took a couple drags of his smokes until I had a beer and stole one. Made it last, smoked it in halves. We also split his last one.

Day 9.) Had to go to the college and pick up my textbooks for the semester. Aggravating, but made it without smoking. Looked at my bank balance and felt even better when I realized we would have been screwed if I hadn’t quit. Had a pickle-making party with husband and friend. Doing great until I had more of that cherry wine and decided to visit neighbors. Smoked 2 cigarettes.

Day 10.) Stepdaughters back home along with my son. Full house is making me want to scream. Writing not going well. But still holding strong on the not smoking. Had an hours-long panic attack. Then the full body aches sank in. I’d heard of those but hoped they were myth. Took son to hang out with friends. They played video games and I got a bit of writing done. I wanted a drink, but didn’t because drinking makes me want to smoke. Felt better. Went home and straight to bed. Another panic attack set in along with worse body aches. Felt like coming down off of acid that was cut with too much strychnine. Was awake nearly all night.

Day 11.) 36 hours without a cigarette. Still aching and wanting to crawl out of my skin, but if I’ve made it this long, I can do it longer. Today’s plan is to make pot roast, clean the kitchen, and finish up my launch materials for book 2.

Memorial Post: ISIS, A.K.A, "My Preciousssss..." 11-?-2005 - 8-?-2012

When I was very young, I saw "LADY AND THE TRAMP" for the first time and fell in love with the Siamese cats. Shortly after I declared: "When I grow up, I'm going to get a Siamese cat and name her Isis. She will wear a jewel studded collar and eat out of a crystal dish and I will love her and spoil her rotten."

And so I did. The "crystal" dish didn't last long thanks to the kids, and the jeweled collar made her itch, but Isis was indeed loved and spoiled rotten. I'd hold her and pet her and croon "my precioussssss." We couldn't watch LORD OF THE RINGS without her tripping out, thinking the TV was talking to her. :)

Yeah...steak and lobster spoiled.

When I got Isis, she was small enough to fit in my purse...which she often rode around in until she was big enough to perch on my shoulder. Unlike all previous cats I'd brought home, Isis didn't hide under the bed for three days. Instead she strode right up to the dog (who was like 20 times her size at the time) and started growling. Then she pounced on him....then they were wrestling...and then he belonged to her, heart and soul.

Isis LOVED her dog.

Like most Siamese cats, Isis was very territorial and protective. She used to guard us and our property with extreme vigilance. For a long time she'd watch me bathe and try to grab me when I ducked under to wash my hair because she thought I was drowning. She chased the deer out of our garden and often attacked them. The neighbors would laugh at the sight of her perched on a doe's back, biting and clawing it like a miniature lioness. I wish we had pictures or videos of that.

She also watched over me when I was sick...along with her consort, Isuzu.

Isis was completely fearless. She was a master huntress. One time, she even took down a crow. If she wanted something, she was pretty good about getting it, whether it was a few licks of my ice cream cone to half of my string cheese. She would perch wherever she wanted.

In the cupboard...

On my back...

On my brother...

And blocking my computer if I ignored her too long.

Last week my husband was out of town. Isis went missing, but it wasn't unusual since she stays out for days in the summer, especially when she's mad at us. I figured either she was angry at my husband for being absent or she'd gotten trapped in my neighbor's shed again.

Two days after my birthday... (and quitting smoking), my neighbor approached me and asked if I was missing a cat. My heart rose with hope because usually after he asks that, he says he got dive-bombed after opening his shed.

"You found her?" I asked.

He nodded sadly. "She's dead."

Sure enough, there she was on his property. It looked like she'd been dead a few days. Maybe it happened on my birthday. She was too far away from the road for it to have been a car, and she wasn't bloody and mangled, so it wasn't the psycho killer dog next door. My other neighbor said he's been watching her chase deer just the other night, so I'm thinking she tangled with the wrong one.

I like what one of my friends said: "She must have been one balls to the wall cat to have burned up her nine lives so quickly."

Indeed she was. Goodbye, Isis, the most bad ass cat I've ever known. You will be missed and never forgotten.